Friday, 12 November 2010

well the fall came..

college was perhaps a dream i jumped into with my eyes closed and did not allow my body to catch the lifebuoys before i was swept under back into illness and ceiling staring.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

for all those wonderful people who find pleasure in attempting to destroy me..

conspire to hire and fire my mind, inspire a lier, make them seem kind.. and when your fire consumes my mind, you wont enquire why i was left behind..

Monday, 20 September 2010

i miss you jessie :(

so many birthdays of people i have lost and anniversarys of deaths coming up.. these will be a long hard few months..

but for now

happy birthday jessie.. you are one of the only reasons i have been this strong.. now youve gone i feel kind of lost.. i love you so much.. never forget that.. miss you xxx

this weekend i have learnt..

that having a few people around you who want to be there is more important then being around everyone.

that there are people out there who are genuinely lovely, fun and nice to be with and who i am very grateful to have in my life :)

and that if you ignore conjunctivitis and continue to wear contacts you get a very yukki red eye..

Friday, 17 September 2010

when your so tired you cannot even contemplate continuing to exist in this reality..

off you float to find another..

.. but where will i land today?
Sometimes sadness comes out of nowhere and turns everything into nothing.

Sometimes no one will understand why or who you are and you cannot blame them because you don't even know.

Sometimes there will be parts of your life you cannot remember yet you will have to go on with your life knowing people around you know more about them then you do.. go around watching, distrusting .. people are out to get you..

People just want to hurt other people, that is the meaning of life, most people are cruel cold and calculated.. that's whats worse about it..

Thursday, 9 September 2010

progress is not succeeding but the ability to contemplate success

terrified of going back to where i was.. terrified of the memorys that haunt me.. but progress progress is happening now, life is changing. even if i dont succeed just to contemplate the possibility is progress.. not that long ago an achievement was to be sat up for 5 minutes.. now im going to college..

that is indeed an achievement and i must hold this positive in my mind, in 4 days time i will be getting my things ready for my first day of college.

as you get to know me you will understand the achievement.. for now just hold that this for me is huge :)

rhythmic renditions



what is sanity?. is it something that you get for free? is it somthing everyone gets but me? what is sanity? why do i have to fight.. to reignite the senses of my brain, that fight the deranged lunacys that were strange.. but to me never strange.. never mad, everything felt normal whilst they said my madness ...had.. flown. grown.. sown its seeds.. around my brain.. to take my needs to make me lame, and never tame.. to look the same.. to feel the same.. to be the same.. inside my brain but to you.. im new.. crazy daisy lazy blue.. you never knew.. you never knew.. it was all because of you..

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

so to explain the layout of this blog..

firstly i dont understand punctuation and grammer. i tend to right rythmically, music makes much more sense to me, so i apologise for my mistakes in this.. please feel free to help me with this but please dont be one of these absolutely irritating grammer nazi's who think just because you cant understand something entirely illogical you must have an iq of less then 30..

i will be writing from the past and the present.. this blog is to help me sort my memorys of life and what has happened to me at the same time as recording progression.. life is an interesting concept which cannot be mapped in an entirely straight line, to find direction in imperfection one must take a non logical route.

so this is me.. i am what i am.. but who i am.. im not sure?

So i am steph, i am steph.. yes that is who i am.

To be honest im not sure who i am, im not sure where i have come from, and im not sure how i have got here, or how i am even still here.. but i am me.. i am who i am.. and i accept that :)

This is my story of life, of misery, of pain, confusion, life threatening illness, of nearly dieing, of being saved, coming back from the brink of nothing and becoming me again. Yes i am alive now, Yes i AM ALIVE! this makes me so happy all i want to do is live.. but the memorys.. the memorys go round and round my brain and the insanity will never go away.